Butt Stuff

But not the stuff you’re thinking of

Source: Wikimedia Commons

In my experience, when you go to the Emergency Room with anal bleeding, it’s best to have something sticking out your back door. Something that points to the obvious, like an empty Coke bottle.

Are you familiar with this urban legend, which has in all likelihood occurred many, many times throughout history, that tells of a person being admitted to the hospital with a Coke bottle sticking out of their hiney?

Well, I didn’t even get the benefit of sticking anything up there before said bleeding began. It just started, out of nowhere, obligating me to get checked out.

There is no greater humiliation in all the world than being admitted to the hospital with anal bleeding. 

Front desk person: “What brings you in today?”

Me: “Um…(whisper, whisper).”

Front desk person: “I’m sorry — can you please speak up? I can’t understand you.”

Me: “It’s like a fire hydrant in summer back there!”

I just know all the nurses are speculating about what I did in the privacy of my own home.

I did nothing! Nothing, I tell you.

Three hours, one ultrasound, and a CT scan later, the on-call doctor informs me that I have diverticulosis. That’s inflammation of the intestines, caused by the very simple but very impactful lack of fiber in one’s diet. 

See, nurses! Totally innocent, just as I conveyed through a shrug and the desperation in my eyes.

Take this as your Public Service Announcement to eat more fiber, everyone. Srsly!

Guess there’s no fiber in bagels, the number one staple in my diet…

Anyhoo, next time I present with anal bleeding, I’m definitely sticking a Coke bottle up there before seeking medical attention. It’ll be more fun for everyone involved.

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