Tag: fail
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Ol’ Dirty Bird, Pigeon
A story of persistence Source: Wikimedia Commons [Read this essay in David Attenborough’s voice] The biggest slut of the animal kingdom is the male pigeon. If you have ever sat in a park, you know what I’m talking about. A classy female pigeon is pecking at the ground, minding her own business, when a horny…
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The Problematic Popularity of Frozen
A perpetually perplexing phenomenon Source: Wikimedia Commons In November of 2013, years before I had a child, I played hooky from work to watch “Frozen” in the theater. I have a long history of enjoying children’s films, from “Madagascar” to “Pokémon.” I left the theater underwhelmed and have only become increasingly disgruntled about the film’s…
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Panda to World: We Want to Go Extinct
For the love of bamboo, just let us go Source: Wikimedia Commons Citizens of the world: listen up. We’re tired of you meddling in our affairs. Stop caring for us in zoos and artificially inseminating us to keep our species alive. We do everything we can to communicate that we don’t wish to keep living.…
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Big Fork, Little Fork
The mysteries of dining etiquette I am nouveau riche. And by “new” I mean I’m on the more recent end of evolving from an ape to a human and by “wealthy” I mean I’ve got more than just a banana and fleas. In addition to walking fully upright, my bragging rights include having a roof…
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Eating My Feelings
I want to donate a kidney, just for the weight loss. I’ve gained 30 pounds since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago, which is more than I gained during pregnancy. It kills me to know that this food baby won’t be birthed, leaving me with a beach ready body. (Let’s be real: I…
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From Luddite to Tech Wizard
In five short years No one would have foreseen me going into the tech field, least of all me. This was not a straight path. In high school I signed up for “Keyboarding” because I wanted to learn how to play an instrument. Turns out, it was a touch-typing class. I was like, “Guys, the…
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The Real Reason Behind the Fall of Icarus
Let me get this straight, Icarus — we’re to believe that you were smart enough to design a way to fly of your own volition, but stupid enough to fly “too close” to the sun? Uh-uh. I’m not buying that story. Something else went down. A mistake so foolish and easily avoided that you decided to blame…
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Gaslit by Toddlers and Robots
After my 3.5-year-old used the toilet and flushed, I instructed her to wash her hands. “Why?” she said. “I didn’t touch anything.” “You just touched the toilet handle,” I said. She responded, without missing a beat: “It’s an automatic toilet.” My overly confident child thought she could convince me that we have fancy, self-flushing toilets.…
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Bee vs. Human Dignity
Why must bees rob us of our dignity? You’re sitting at a table outside a cafe on a sunny day, and you lean back in your chair and take a deep breath of fresh air, exhale, and smile as the sun warms your face. Then, out of nowhere, a bee comes at you. You swat…
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To Mansplain or Not to Mansplain
In college I had an English professor whom I admired. Not only was he knowledgeable, but he also had a sense of humor. Especially, whenever he recited Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales in old English (entertaining, but also exhibitionistic). I was struggling a bit to keep my head above water and met with the professor during his…
A Flick of the Pen 