Tag: humor
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Panda to World: We Want to Go Extinct
For the love of bamboo, just let us go Source: Wikimedia Commons Citizens of the world: listen up. We’re tired of you meddling in our affairs. Stop caring for us in zoos and artificially inseminating us to keep our species alive. We do everything we can to communicate that we don’t wish to keep living.…
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Smile and the whole world smiles back
Frown and the whole world gives you flack Source: Wikimedia Commons Fellow human, have you ever had this experience? You were frowning for a damn good reason, and some smug bastard tells you that it takes more muscles to frown than smile. It’s called resting bitch face for a reason! My face is at rest, thank…
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Horses: Humanity’s First Technology
Bonus — alcoholic milk dispenser! Source: Wikimedia Commons Have you ever considered the origination of horseback riding? At some point in history, humans and horses existed separately on the planet and didn’t have a single thing to do with each other. Now — we’re atop their backs forcing them to do silly footwork in dressage and jumping hurdles for…
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The Real Lowdown on Napoleon
A totally 2% true history Contrary to popular opinion, it wasn’t Buddha or some other yogi that came up with the idea of mindfulness. It was none other than Monsieur Napoleon Bonaparte. People say he was short. He wasn’t. He was of average height, around 5’6″ says the Internet. Some think he was crazy. Not…
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Feminism vs. Domesticity
A rant I’ve got a full-time job, a husband, a kid, a house, a car. I’m living the American dream! So why is it that as I push the vacuum cleaner back and forth, I’m like, “Fuck this! I hate domesticity!” When I do laundry, I abuse the washing machine like it has personally wronged…
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Our Disgusting Human Bodies
The human condition isn’t pretty The only hair on my head that is its original shade of brown is my mustache. The hair on top: dyed. Eyebrows: penciled in. But my mustache? Still going strong! Why do genetics hate us so much? You’d think useless and socially problematic features like unibrows and hair growing on…
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Bizarre Thoughts
When my mind wanders Have you ever had a thought so bizarre you were like, “Thank God nobody can hear my thoughts! I would have invited scrutiny upon my mental health with that one.” That’s precisely the kind that makes up the majority of my thoughts each and every day. For instance: While my 3.5-year-old…
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Big Fork, Little Fork
The mysteries of dining etiquette I am nouveau riche. And by “new” I mean I’m on the more recent end of evolving from an ape to a human and by “wealthy” I mean I’ve got more than just a banana and fleas. In addition to walking fully upright, my bragging rights include having a roof…
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Good Animals Gone Bad
On our recent family trip to Hawaii, I planned an excursion to an animal sanctuary. I convinced the proprietor to permit my 3.5-year-old on the property, despite the minimum guest age being seven. I assured the hippie who answered the phone that my daughter poses no harm to animals. At the start of the tour,…
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Eating My Feelings
I want to donate a kidney, just for the weight loss. I’ve gained 30 pounds since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago, which is more than I gained during pregnancy. It kills me to know that this food baby won’t be birthed, leaving me with a beach ready body. (Let’s be real: I…
A Flick of the Pen 