A Flick of the Pen

Are we %@#& there yet?!

Rather than astronauts and scientists, I propose that it be the world’s most despised inhabitants that are selected for passage to Mars.

Every person across the globe would get to cast a vote for the twenty worst offenders — think those who are dangerous, rabble rousers, or just plain annoying.

I’m not naming any names. That is for the world to decide. What I am asserting is that Earth would be a better place without certain individuals.

There would be no media coverage of the journey; all communication would be severed. The Martians would have no access to their social media accounts for the duration of their lives, and no means to send messages back to Earth.

In space, no one can hear you tweet.

The only downfall to this arrangement is the missed opportunity for the greatest reality show of all time. The chance to see the interactions between the Martians during their journey and when they reach their biodome. Imagine narcissistic, bigoted, selfish individuals fighting for the top bunk, the best rations, the most time in the bathroom, etc. Hilarity would ensure. And surely, so would violence, but this is what makes it so compelling!

Astronauts undergo rigorous psychological testing to ensure they can co-exist in cramped spaces with the same people for long durations. But this group of misfits will comically lack the patience, tolerance, self-introspection and all other necessary qualities to co-exist peacefully and productively.

In ten years’ time, we would look in on them from afar, in much the same way you observe an ant colony in a clear container. You can see them, but they aren’t aware of your presence. We would be interested in knowing how they have gotten on, but, like God, will decline to intervene regardless of circumstances.

Should this plan to relocate the world’s most despised inhabitants to Mars prove too costly or difficult to enforce, here is my alternate suggestion: that this same group of people be placed under house arrest at Kevin Spacey’s residence.