It’s a Nightmare in the Dream House

Barbie and Ken’s origination story

Source: Wikimedia Commons

People, for the love of God please stop banging Barbie’s plastic torso against Ken’s. Everyone seems to have forgotten the origination of these dolls. They are brother and sister! They’re both hot, to be sure, but that’s because they came from the same gene pool.

A long time ago, longer apparently than any living person remembers, a set of parents designed these dolls after their real-life children. Amazing! And — ew!

Imagine what a confidence booster it would be if your parents found you attractive enough to design an action doll after you. Anyway, it would have been great up until the real Barbie and Ken became teenagers. At that point, as pimples cropped up and hair sprouted where it wasn’t before, it must have been a painfully bitter realization that they would never be able to achieve the impossible perfection of their doll selves.

Eventually the line expanded to include Midge and Smidge and Gidget and Gadget and Bam Bam. Which must mean that Barbie and Ken procreated. Much like there was only Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden at first, but then they were joined by Cain and Abel and Randy and Junior. And then by the rest of the world as we know it today.

Back to the banging. Everyone assumes that Barbie and Ken are boyfriend and girlfriend because they are both super-hot and it stands to reason that they would be hot for each other. But again, and I cannot overstate this, they are brother and sister!

In summary, Barbie and Ken were designed after human children by their parents, which is both moving and creepy. They are brother and sister IRL, but the doll versions are getting it on in the Dream House night and day, day and night because they’re so hot they can’t keep their hands off each other. What a world.

The toy makers tried to keep the dolls wholesome by leaving off nipples and molding them with permanent plastic underwear. But at the end of the day, they’re still sexy.

We don’t think about them being related, even if they do look alike. They just both happen to be blond with blue eyes. What’s wrong with that? That’s what all the Vikings looked like as they mooned at each other over cups of yogurt before pillaging.

What I want to know is where is the doll made in my image? It would have a plain face and a muffin top. It would come dressed in athleisure wear and its accessories would be a coffee cup and a laptop. It would have the lowest sales of any doll in history and be discontinued after the first batch released to market. It would have no partner, and no one would think sexy thoughts when they play with the doll. It would consistently be assigned the role of governess or librarian.

Why is my doll only a 4 on the doll attractiveness scale of 1–10? Especially given that IRL I am a 6 on a good day? Here’s the math: given my credit score of 800 and that I pay for my own housing and car, for some that would bump me up to an 8. But the fact I am a middle-aged divorcee bumps me back down to a 6. I have a child, which further drops me down to a 4. Meanwhile, 75% of the dudes on dating apps are 2s who think they are a 10. Anyone who actually looks like a 10 is just a catfishing profile. It’s a wonder that any two people on earth are getting together, because none of us looks like Barbie or Ken.

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