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Awkward Trip to Mars
Are we %@#& there yet?! Rather than astronauts and scientists, I propose that it be the world’s most despised inhabitants that are selected for passage to Mars. Every person across the globe would get to cast a vote for the twenty worst offenders — think those who are dangerous, rabble rousers, or just plain annoying. I’m not…
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Big Fork, Little Fork
The mysteries of dining etiquette I am nouveau riche. And by “new” I mean I’m on the more recent end of evolving from an ape to a human and by “wealthy” I mean I’ve got more than just a banana and fleas. In addition to walking fully upright, my bragging rights include having a roof…
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Good Animals Gone Bad
On our recent family trip to Hawaii, I planned an excursion to an animal sanctuary. I convinced the proprietor to permit my 3.5-year-old on the property, despite the minimum guest age being seven. I assured the hippie who answered the phone that my daughter poses no harm to animals. At the start of the tour,…
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Eating My Feelings
I want to donate a kidney, just for the weight loss. I’ve gained 30 pounds since the birth of my daughter 3 years ago, which is more than I gained during pregnancy. It kills me to know that this food baby won’t be birthed, leaving me with a beach ready body. (Let’s be real: I…
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Dr. Feelgood
There are two different types of drivers in the world: those who speed, God bless ’em, and those who drive like they’re on their way to the proctologist. Like they really don’t want to get where they’re going. Not me though. I love going to the proctologist! Any specialist will do: dentist, dermatologist, gynecologist. For…
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OKStupid
The dating app for settling “You’ve searched for the best! Now try the rest!” When you’re ready to settle down, you have to settle. Because all the best ones are already taken already. It’s finally time to accept a date with that guy who is shirtless in his profile photo, standing by the weight set…
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The Lowdown on NYC
I am the type of New Yorker real New Yorkers love to hate: I was a transplant to begin with, and as soon as the pandemic got too hot, I bounced. Then I did the worst thing imaginable: bought a house in NJ. Living across the river is sacrilege to the most devoted New Yorkers.…
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Hello depression, my old friend
Have you ever met someone who has never been depressed? They tell you they don’t know what that feels like. That doesn’t make sense to me. Didn’t you have a childhood? Didn’t you go to school? Don’t you have a family?! You’re telling me you’ve never been depressed? I don’t even know how to work…
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On the Pole/Off the Pole
You know how it’s every parent’s worst nightmare that their daughter will hit the pole? Well, not my parents; they weren’t of an opinion one way or the other. But someone’s parents feared that potential outcome. I couldn’t personally dance with a stripper pole. With my germaphobia? That piece of metal is the same as…
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Herding Cats Has Got Nothing on Herding Toddlers
We’re all familiar with the phrase “herding cats,” oft used in the business world to describe a difficult group to manage. As the parent of a toddler, I submit we change this phrase to “herding toddlers.” Even a single toddler is nigh impossible to manage. I’ll solve your cat problem right now: simply walk in…
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A Flick of the Pen 