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I’ve Got Some Number of Problems
But salt ain’t one Source: Wikimedia Commons I’m not as concerned with sodium as health authorities want me to be. Not my doctor, by the way, but rather social justice warriors who take it upon themselves to spread anti-sodium propaganda. Everyone is so worried about sodium. How much sodium is in that? Don’t want to…
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Cleansing Vomit for You
Death to a horse Source: Wikimedia Commons Did you know that a horse can’t vomit? If a horse gets sick, it’s game over. Each weekend when you pick up your first drink, you agree to accept vomiting as the outcome. You know the likelihood that you will drink to excess and end up puking on…
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On Dinosaurs and Change
The old and the new Source: Wikimedia Commons After hundreds of years of us believing dinosaurs to look and behave a certain way, scientists are suddenly pulling the rug out from under us and saying, “Maybe these creatures actually had feathers. Maybe they sang instead of roared. Maybe they were blue and purple rather than…
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Panda to World: We Want to Go Extinct
For the love of bamboo, just let us go Source: Wikimedia Commons Citizens of the world: listen up. We’re tired of you meddling in our affairs. Stop caring for us in zoos and artificially inseminating us to keep our species alive. We do everything we can to communicate that we don’t wish to keep living.…
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Smile and the whole world smiles back
Frown and the whole world gives you flack Source: Wikimedia Commons Fellow human, have you ever had this experience? You were frowning for a damn good reason, and some smug bastard tells you that it takes more muscles to frown than smile. It’s called resting bitch face for a reason! My face is at rest, thank…
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Horses: Humanity’s First Technology
Bonus — alcoholic milk dispenser! Source: Wikimedia Commons Have you ever considered the origination of horseback riding? At some point in history, humans and horses existed separately on the planet and didn’t have a single thing to do with each other. Now — we’re atop their backs forcing them to do silly footwork in dressage and jumping hurdles for…
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The Real Lowdown on Napoleon
A totally 2% true history Contrary to popular opinion, it wasn’t Buddha or some other yogi that came up with the idea of mindfulness. It was none other than Monsieur Napoleon Bonaparte. People say he was short. He wasn’t. He was of average height, around 5’6″ says the Internet. Some think he was crazy. Not…
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Feminism vs. Domesticity
A rant I’ve got a full-time job, a husband, a kid, a house, a car. I’m living the American dream! So why is it that as I push the vacuum cleaner back and forth, I’m like, “Fuck this! I hate domesticity!” When I do laundry, I abuse the washing machine like it has personally wronged…
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Our Disgusting Human Bodies
The human condition isn’t pretty The only hair on my head that is its original shade of brown is my mustache. The hair on top: dyed. Eyebrows: penciled in. But my mustache? Still going strong! Why do genetics hate us so much? You’d think useless and socially problematic features like unibrows and hair growing on…
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Bizarre Thoughts
When my mind wanders Have you ever had a thought so bizarre you were like, “Thank God nobody can hear my thoughts! I would have invited scrutiny upon my mental health with that one.” That’s precisely the kind that makes up the majority of my thoughts each and every day. For instance: While my 3.5-year-old…
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A Flick of the Pen 